fiction by Tom Carnegie
The 1919 Baton Noir Beagles baseball team hasn't won yet this year. They went 0-fer last year too. The highlight so far this year was when a Beagle pitcher took a no-hitter into the seventh inning. With seven walks and several Baton Noir errors, another lop-sided loss was secured. Butch Dunsel first saw Dr. Preston from the bench at the ballpark during one of these losses. Dr. Preston was driving a brightly colored Model T delivery wagon. On each side panel was a sign that touted Dr. Preston's patented cures.
It is Monday morning and Bud gets to meet Dr. Preston face to face. Dr. Preston is a distinguished looking gentleman of about fifty. He is wearing a neatly tailored, but well-worn suit. He carries a cane and sports a Derby. He walks into the office of Joseph Vant, the manager of the Model T Garage. "I have been directed to ask for Joe Savant." I am Joseph Vant answers Joseph. "Mr. Savant, my Model T motor is operating in a less than satisfactory manner. Could you please inspect it and take the appropriate action necessary to ameliorate the situation?" Normally Joseph would have delighted in the gentleman's elocution, but he rather quit listening the instant his name was mispronounced. "My name is Joseph -- Joseph --VANT" He said the second "Joseph" really fast, almost as one syllable, and heavily enunciated the Vant part. "My apologies Mr. Vant. The diction of the locals that recommended you is not on the same level as yours. Could you please tune my engine?" "I'd be only too happy to oblige you, sir" was Joseph's reply. He turned the job over to his third mechanic, Butch Dunsel.
Joseph's number one and two mechanics are Hayes and Jesse Olson. Today Hayes is running parts, and Jesse is grinding the valves on Mr. Monteselli's touring car. Mr. Monteselli and Dr. Preston sit on the bench in the shop to wait as the mechanics set about their work. Butch dominates the conversation. As is often the case in these situations, the person doing the most talking should be doing the most listening. Butch artlessly steers the conversation to the two subjects that are most on his mind at the moment. One is the poor record of his ball club, and the other is the fact that he can't seem to beat Beau Dremel up Great Pine Hill in his Model T.
Butch begins to muse about his weekly contests with Beau. Here is a description of a typical race. Beau and Butch have a mutual friend by the name of Bud. Bud is about the same age as Beau and Butch, that is to say in his early twenties. They all meet at the bottom of Great Pine Hill. Beau pulls up in his 1918 roadster and drives until his front tires are even with the big boulder just past the road that leads to the Caff's place. Butch does the same with his 1911 torpedo. A coin toss determines who goes first. Bud hops in with the first driver, and says, "GO!" as he starts his stopwatch. When the driver passes the great pine tree at the top of the hill, he stops the watch. Then down the winding gravel road they drive. The routine is repeated with the other driver. Bud doesn't have a car, but seems to thrive on the excitement of riding with the other two drivers. Butch's best time is just under nine minutes, whereas Beau's best is seven minutes and thirteen seconds. At the end Beau is always a very good sport and claims that Butch is "sure to win" next time, but it never happens.
"How much is it? I say, how much is it?" "Uh, seven-thirteen" blurts Butch as he is shaken from his reverie by the voice of Dr. Preston. "Did you say seven dollars and thirteen cents?" "Oh man, I'm sorry, my mind was on something else. It is four dollars and fifty cents for the tune up." "Would you be interested in taking that out in trade?" asks the doctor. "You'll have to take that up with the boss." Replies Butch. Dr. Preston then makes the same proposal to Joseph. Joseph's answer to this is somewhat pointed. "With all due respect sir, I don't have a cobra nor a python, and if I did I doubt that they would be in need of lubrication. I would like four dollars and fifty cents cash, if you please." Dr. Preston pays his bill, but before he leaves he rummages around in his T for a bit and comes up with a jar with a clear liquid in it. He walks over to Butch and hands it to him. "This is a gift for you Butch, free of charge, gratis. Pour the contents of this jar into your fuel tank before your next race with Beau. I'll guarantee that you'll beat him to the top." "What sort of guarantee?" asks Butch. "Well I can't give your money back now can I? I'll tell you what, see me next week after the race win or lose, or rather after you win, and we'll decide what to do then." With that, Dr. Preston hops into his T and drives off.
"I don't understand" fumes Mr. Monteselli. "The federal government will allow a quack like him to pedal his wares, yet they want to make me into a criminal for drinking a glass of wine with my dinner. My father and his father and his father always had a glass of wine with their meals, now they are saying it is illegal for me to. Next thing you know the federal government will be telling us how to build our houses and roads and how to run our schools. Soon they'll try to control the very air we breathe." Mr. Monteselli is starting to fairly foam at the mouth after this tirade. Joseph tries to calm him down as he says, "You don't have to worry Mr. Monteselli, the federal government will never be able to do what you say, and I'll tell you exactly why. There is a provision in the constitution called "separation of powers". What that means is that the Federal government cannot do anything that isn't specifically spelled out in the constitution. There will never be a Department of Housing or a Department of Education without a constitutional amendment."